Who Makes the Rules?

“Who says? Who makes the rules?” said some provocateur to me when I was 20 years old. Those questions stuck with me. That’s a damn good point, I thought.

Lately, I’ve been applying this skeptical attitude to the topic of masculinity. Lots and lots of men running YouTube channels weigh in emphatically on what it means to be a man. Often they mention making lots of money, getting fit and muscular, wearing certain clothes, talking to women in particular ways, etc. Much of what gets emphasized is relevant and useful. However, the undercurrent is that men should get their cues for masculine behavior from the broader society of men.

Now, we’re communal creatures, so we do take after one another. That’s nothing to be ashamed of. But I also hear many of these advocates for masculinity urging us to become “alpha” males. Why we should consult wolfpack hierarchies is a topic for another blog, but I digress. Now, if being an alpha male means seeking dominance, being confident, and leading, is it possible to achieve that status by looking to the direction of other men? Wouldn’t you achieve alpha status by taking direction from yourself and your own inner compass?

Does an alpha try to fit in? If driving muscle cars enhances your masculinity, but you don’t like muscle cars, should you still get one? If working 80-hour weeks helps you make more money so you can woo a girl with your bank account, but you disavow the grind, should you do it anyway? See what I’m driving at? Who’s making the rules for you? If it’s not you, should we think of you as an alpha, or a beta?

Personally, this alpha/beta duality is bullshit. How about this: why not see what occurs to you to do with your life, then do that thing? Who cares what others think. If you want to do certain things with your life, and you don’t do them for fear of society’s disapproval, you are weak and cowardly. And you know this, don’t you? You might think of yourself as the manliest man of men, yet insecurity plagues you sometimes because of the unexplored regions of your life experience. You haven’t ventured outside margins for fear of others. That ain’t manly; that ain’t alpha.